Faded
by ailaikannu
Summary: Set post the disaster that happened in Mount Weather. Clarke dealing with her inner monsters with the help of Heda. What will happen once Skikru attacks Lexa ? I'm going to keep writing this because I was not impressed with episode 3x07. Warning : CLEXA
1. Chapter 1

_My first The 100 fanfiction. I have watched the whole series in three days because I felt a weirdly strong connection to the characters and now I'm obsessed with it. This fanfiction is set post 2x16, but it's a bit different from the actual show. Lexa didn't make the deal with the Mountain Men and the grounders helped Clarke and the Sky people save everyone inside Mount Weather. The radiation that killed all the Mountain Men happened anyhow and Clarke is still haunted by that night._

 **CLARKE**

It doesn't even feel weird anymore. I might feel safe here, but I keep feeling guilty anyhow. I killed all those innocent people in Mount Weather. I left MY people at camp Jaha without even saying goodbye. I'm disappointed in myself, I've become a monster and I can't forget all those dead bodies on the floor, Jasper holding Maya.. I did it because I thought it was the right thing to do. It felt like the only possible way to save my people. I'm still sure it was, but the guilt is unbearable most of the time. I can't stop thinking about what it must have felt like. Does it feel like being burned alive ? Does it feel like the acid fog ?

I woke up today and Lexa was sleeping next to me. I smiled, wondering how I got this lucky even after everything I've done. This wasn't the plan, I left camp Jaha to be on my own, because I felt unworthy to be there. I couldn't be their leader, it made me reckless, it made me forget who I really am. I am not a monster who kills hundreds of people with radiation. I did what I did to get my people out of Mount Weather… I never imagined I would have to kill hundreds of people in order to succeed.

I can't be that kind of monster.

I can't.

I was considered a criminal back on the Ark, I was imprisoned for treason. And I thought it was wrong, I thought trying to help my people couldn't be considered treason. I thought they were wrong. I was only trying to help them, I wanted to save them. Look at me now, though, I am a traitor. I killed hundreds of innocent people and left my people to live, to fight, to survive on their own.

I am a traitor.

I wake up every day knowing what I did back in Mount Weather, I can't forget it. I don't think I ever will.

"Clarke."

Her voice startles me.

" _Nou get yu daun."_

 _Don't worry._

"I'm not worried, I just can't sleep."

"You never do, though. You need to sleep, you need to rest." She looks at me, gently stroking the back of my hand. "I know you worry about them, but I told you we can go see them whenever you want."

She's been so kind to me, so incredibly understanding, while I've done nothing for her. "I know, we will."

" _Taim_ ?" She asks, looking at me.

 _When ?_

" _Mebi nowe."_

 _Perhaps never._

She sighs, because my answer never changes. She gets up, a bit frustrated. I've been difficult to deal with, I know I have, but she's never complained once. She's been there for me, whenever I've needed her. She's left me my space whenever I've asked her to. She's been caring for me since the day I got here. Or rather, since the day she got me here.

"Go back to sleep." She whispers. "It's pretty early."

"What about we go on one of our adventures instead ?" I ask her, hopefully.

"That would be great, maybe we'll get to see the dawn together, for once." She says, smiling.

I look at her and can't help but laugh a little, I oversleep most of the time because I can't really sleep during the night. I keep having nightmares that wake me up and it's hard to fall asleep again after seeing three hundred people laying motionless on the ground because of a choice that I made. I get dressed and we walk together out of her tent. It's pretty early, so no one is up yet and we're free to move around without fearing judgment.

Lexa decided to keep us a secret for a while. After the fight with Roan she feels like she needs to regain the respect that she needs from her people and since they all live with the idea that love is weakness, showing us means admitting to having flaws. I might be seen as her weakness.

We don't want that.

We don't need that.

We enjoy hiking together in the woods, it's relaxing. It makes us both forget how terrible reality can be. We can be together, with no grounders nor sky people around us. We can be ourselves, without having to worry about being leaders. We stop worrying about our people for a couple of hours, it helps us deal with everything that's been happening in the past few months. We don't talk much during our hikes, we enjoy not having to worry about saying the right thing at the right time. We also hold hands a lot, it makes us feel closer than ever. We can't really hold hands at Polis, we can't really be us there.

The woods are our safe place.

" _Beja nou bants. "_ I whisper.

 _Please do not leave._

She stops and looks at me. Her eyes seem… Curious. She looks like she doesn't understand me. Sometimes I wonder what love is in their culture. I wonder if grounders get married or if they have children just for the sake of their legacy. I wonder if grounders go on dates.

" _Nou get yu daun. Osir keryon ste teina, otaim en feva."_

 _Don't worry. Our souls are entwined, always and forever._

I never expected our relationship to turn out like this. I thought I was going the one to make moves, I thought I was going to be the romantic and sweet one. I thought she was going to be distant and kind of cold. And yet, here we are. She's helplessly romantic, always getting me flowers, always reminding me how much she cares about me and I'm mostly silent. I don't even know why.

"I think I'm going to go back to camp Jaha for a while." I tell her.

"Do you want me to come with you ?" She asks.

"No, I need to do this on my own." I feel like taking Lexa with me would make my people see me as someone who abandoned them to go live with the grounders. My plan wasn't exactly to leave them to go live with the grounders. I don't want them to think that I left them to have an easier life. I wanted to be on my own, because I felt like I didn't deserve to have anyone around me or I might get them killed too.

"That's alright, but I'll have you escorted." Of course she will.

"There's no need to..-"

"I want to. Let me do this, please."

I nod. "I'm sure Indra would love to see Octavia."


	2. Chapter 2

**So, wow. The episode was just... I don't even want to talk about it. It was devastating, unexpected and UNNECESSARY. I have written this fanfiction in just about a week and it's already complete, so you'll get to see what my plan was. I'm not going to change it because of what happened in the show. As I stated on the summary, Lexa IS going to be attacked (it's funny to think about HOW she'll be attacked, after watching the episode), but I am going to end this story quite differently.**

 **LEXA**

We're getting ready for Clarke's departure in the morning. She seems quite excited about going back to Skikru, but her eyes tell me that she's worried, like I've never seen her before.

"Indra."

"Sha, _Heda_ _?"_

"You need to protect Clarke at all costs during this journey back to her camp, even if it costs you everything you have." I tell her. "I won't be there, she's your priority. You need to do whatever she says."

" _Ai badan yu op en nou moun. "_

 _I serve you and no other._

" _Ai sonraaun laik em sonraun nau._ _Sis em au ge hou."_

 _My life is her life now. Help her get home._

Indra looks at me for a minute, saying nothing. I don't need her to understand my motives. I don't think I want her to know why I'm doing this. I just want her to protect Clarke, because if anything happens to her, I'll blame myself for the rest of my life. I feel like what I feel for Clarke has never happened to me before, I'm not sure how to describe it. I get up and she's next to me, usually already awake. She's always there, from the moment I wake up, to the moment I fall asleep. I feel like I need to protect her all the time, even if I'm pretty sure she'd be able to protect herself in case of an attack. I wait every day for something, or someone, to attack Polis like they did with Indra's village.

What would I do ?

Would they willingly attack Clarke ? Would they hurt her ?

The thing is, they don't know that she's here yet. They could attack us with the idea of attacking grounders, but she's here as well. This is the main reason why I'm letting her go back to camp Jaha. I need them to know that they can't attack us, because one of them is here with us. Their leader is here with us and attacking us means attacking us. And anyone who attacks her attacks me.

 _Yu jomp em op en yu jomp ai op._

" _Hodnes laik kwelnes, Heda."_

 _Love is weakness, Commander._

Of course she knows. She's Indra, she knows everything. There's no time to talk about this now, though.

"Indra, I am your commander. You need to do whatever I tell you to do, without complaining. Without commenting on my choices nor on my motives."

" _Sha, Heda."_

She walks away, leaving me alone once more. Clarke usually spends a few hours a day in the arena, training with warriors. She feels like she's not skilled enough and wants to learn how to fight. I'm not allowed to go there because apparently, after seeing me fight with Roan, she's embarrassed.

I don't understand. Sky people are confusing.

Usually, when Clarke is busy with her lessons, I take care of Nightbloods. Today doesn't feel like a good day to teach, though. I feel like my fear for Clarke would be perceived by the Nightbloods and I don't want them to think that I have weaknesses. One of them is going to take my place when I die, they need to understand that being the Commander means setting your feelings aside and doing everything with your head rather than with your heart.

" _Lexa ? Weron yu kamp raun ?"_

 _Where are you ?_

Apparently, my favourite Sky person is back.

"Hir, Wanheda."

I turn around and see her walking towards me, with a huge smile on her face. She kisses me tenderly on the lips and I still can't believe how lucky I am. As always, she's covered in bruises and fresh cuts from the fights. Her hair is messy, her clothes dirty.

She starts laughing and says :

"Do you remember when I didn't understand a word of Trigedasleng ?"

"I do. I used to talk in Trigedasleng all the time whenever you were around, just to make sure you couldn't understand what I was saying. I remember when Quint attacked you and I had to make him understand how wrong was to attack _you_. I talked to him in Trigedasleng so you wouldn't understand that I already cared about you." I tell her, a bit embarrassed. I did use Trigedasleng so that she wouldn't understand, I needed her to see me as the fearless and powerful commander of the twelve clans.

"What did you tell him ?" She asks, her curious blue eyes not leaving my gaze. "I don't really remember. At that time, I thought you'd told him that you wanted to be the one to kill me. Because I remember thanking you and you gave me a death stare.. I thought you were mad at me because I was trying to get myself killed by someone who wasn't you."

I laugh. "Yu jomp em op en yu jomp ai op. Not exactly what you thought, huh ?"

"Nope, not quite. I hope you still believe it's true, though." She whispers, blushing. "Because it is for me."

"Of course I do. Possibly more than I did when he attacked you."

She looks at me, those beautiful eyes lighting up. "Thank you for letting me do this."

"Of course, Clarke. I know you need them. Thank you for letting me have you escorted. It means a lot, even if you probably don't understand."

"I do, I would do the same if I were you."

I know she would. But it's different. I can fight, I can survive in the woods without feeling constantly afraid for my own life. She's essentially defenceless.

"What are your plans for this trip ?" I ask her.

"I think I'll be staying there for a couple of days, then I'll be back here. I want to go there by myself this time, but you'll be coming with me the next time I go. I want my people to understand that our alliance is still working, I want them to understand that you are not our enemy. I can't let them attack again. And I'm sure they will if I don't explain what's going on." She says and I now know that we have the same goal in mind. Maybe for different reasons, but it doesn't really matter.

"Alright, I'll be here when you come back."

It's late at night, but we don't want to sleep yet. We've spent every moment together since the day she got here and I'm not sure how it'll be once she's gone. Even if it's for just a couple of days. The only moments when she wasn't with me were when she was training, but I knew she was there. I knew I could go see her if I needed to. I knew I could protect her. I knew I could be there for her if she needed me.

I'm not sure that she'll be safe there.


	3. Chapter 3

**CLARKE**

I'm getting ready to leave, Lexa is sitting on the bed, watching me pack. I know she's nervous because she won't be there to protect me, but I'm sure it won't be necessary. I also think that she'll be sending the whole Grounder army to protect me, but that's okay.

"Are you ready ?" She asks, impatiently.

"Yes, I guess. I don't really have much to take with me. It's a two days trip." I tell her, while I check my backpack.

"Do you have your knife ? And your gun ? What about bullets ?"

"Are those the things you take with you whenever you go on a trip ?" I ask her, grinning.

"Nope." She laughs. "We don't use guns and I've learned what a bullet is like a week ago. I usually take my swords with me wherever I go."

"You've got to be kidding me." I'm still fascinated by this world. It's fun to see what is normal to them and compare it to what feels normal to me. Even if the longer I spend time on Earth, the closer I feel to them. On the Ark, we weren't allowed to have weapons. Only guards could carry guns, even because we didn't really need them. It was really uncommon for people to go against the law, since the punishment for basically everything was getting floated. Now always having a weapon makes me feel weirdly better. Safer.

"Of course I'm not kidding. You never know what's around the corner. Also, I'm the commander of thirteen clans, and there are many people out there who want my place. Or don't like me." She says, touching her hair.

"I know, I know. I do have my knife and my gun, but I'm sure I won't need them." I normally use the gun whenever I need to protect myself from something, or someone. I guess guns are just easier to use, spears and swords need a fine techinique that only grounders seem to master. But this knife is particularly dear to me, because it was a gift from Lexa. She said I needed a grounder weapon, because the gun could stop working, or I could run out of bullets. She knows I can't fight barehanded, so the knife will do. It's beautifully engraved with a drawing that resembles one of her tattoos. I love it.

"I just told you that you can never know."

"I know, but what I meant is that I won't need them because you'll be sending the whole grounder army out to escort me, won't you ?" It's always nice to watch her react whenever I tease her. It's super funny because she's the Commander, the cold-hearted leader of the Grounders. And yet..

"I might." She blushes.

"You don't need to."

"You know, Clarke kom Skaikru," her face changes in a second, she instantly becomes serious, "now you're part of us. Skaikru is the thirtheenth clan, and I am your Commander. Sometimes you can't tell me what to do." It's incredible how she can go from cute Lexa to commander Lexa in a heartbeat. She's wearing her night gown, no war paint on, her hair is not braided. I don't see a commander right now, I don't see a warrior.

I see Lexa.

I smile : "Are you sending your whole army out to protect me because you're my Commander or because we're together ?"

She smiles at me mentioning us being together : "You don't need to know why, just let it be."

I nod and kiss her, placing both my hands on her cheeks. "Alright, _Heda_. I'm leaving now."

She looks at me with her puppy eyes and I wish I didn't have to leave her here. It's the right thing to do, though.

"I'll see you in two days." I promise her. "Be good to your people."

I turn around to walk away, but she grabs me from one arm and pulls me into a tight embrace.

" _Ste_ _klir_." She whispers into my ear.

 _Be safe._

We kiss again and then I walk outside her tent, to meet Indra. I'm excited about this trip, but it's weird to live Polis like this after weeks of living here. I have left the place only to go on hikes with Lexa, never once towards camp Jaha.

And now I'm going back there.

I'm not sure what to expect, I know that Pike is the new chancellor and that he is responsible for what happened in Indra's village and I'm hoping he's not planning on destroying anything else. I need to go there and fix this.

"Let's go, Indra."

"Yes, _Wanheda_."

"You can call me Clarke, you know that, right ?"

"I do, but I like _Wanheda_ better."

She's cold, as she always is. I can tell she doesn't like me at all. She doesn't "like" _Wanheda_ better, she believes "Commander of death" suits me better than my actual name.

And I guess she's right.

Indra has never trusted Sky people. She has never trusted _me_. And with what Pike and Bellamy did to her village, I believe she won't ever trust us. What was done to her village is an act of war, an unforgettable act of war.

The trip back to camp Jaha is long and silent. It goes smoothly, though. No attacks during the journey and now we're almost there, I can see the gate. Apparently, camp Jaha is now called Arkadia.

"I'm going in first, I don't think Pike would understand why there are grounders with me and I don't want any of you to get hurt."

Indra nods, the warriors standing behind her. I slowly walk to the gets, holding my empty hands up in the air.

"Open the gates !" I hear someone shouting. I guess they recognized me.

The gate's opening and I can see them. All of them. Armed guards pointing their guns at me.

 _Skaikru_.

My people.

"Clarke !"

My mom running towards me, smiling. She hugs me tight and places a kiss on my cheek. "I've missed you." She says, softly.

"Hi, mom." I smile back. "There are grounders with me, they can't be harmed."

"Guess who's back." I don't know why but I can't stand Pike's voice. "Don't think you can come back here and be in charge, because I'm the chancellor now. I surely won't let a child tell me what to do."

Now I know why his voice annoys me. Because my brain knows that his voice can only express his stupid and senseless thoughts.

"I'm not here to be in charge. But grounders are our allies even after what you did to them, they should be able to come here with me without fearing of being killed off by you." I tell him, my voice steady. "This is what an alliance is. Burning down an entire village isn't."

"We're not their allies. I rejected the alliance as soon as I became chancellor. There's no 13th clan. You have to choose if you want to be one of us or one of them. You can't be both, I won't allow it."

If I think that I didn't like Kane at first. This one is even worse.

"You do understand that having grounders has enemies means dying for sure, don't you ?" I can't believe I'm having this conversation again. Why can't people understand that an alliance with the grounders is the only way to survive ? Do they really think that they can wipe them out ? And what is worse is that they feel the need to wipe them out.

"I think we can survive on our own. We always have and we always will. I don't want my people to have savages as their allies. So now choose, either us or them." He says, not leaving my gaze. He has two guards on both his sides, I wonder why. Does he need protection even inside his own camp ? He probably realized that nobody likes him.

Oh boy, I do wonder why.

I need to talk to Octavia. And Raven. And even Bellamy. "Give me some time." I simply say.

Of course Octavia is the hardest to find, she doesn't spend much time inside the camp, because apparently Lincoln isn't allowed to be here. Everything that he did for us, even risking his own life, means nothing to Pike. Lincoln was the main reason why Lexa accepted to have us as their allies. I eventually find Octavia and tell her everything.

"Indra was eager to see you, you should go talk to her. Of course Pike won't let them in. He asked me to choose between Grounders and Sky people."

"What are you going to do ?" She asks, a bit concerned.

"I'm not sure. I can't be here knowing that he wants to kill them all, Octavia. I need to do something."

"We need to do something. I'm here to help." She says and I can see that she despises Pike possibly as much as I do.

"I know you are, now go see Indra. She would never admit it, but she's missed you." I tell her and walk away to see Raven. I find her working on a radio.

"Raven, hey."

"Clarke ! You're back !" She gets up and I can see that her leg is getting worse.

"Yes, but not for good. I can't be here, or I won't be able to help the grounders." I tell her. I still can't believe that this is my life now. When they told us that we would be coming to earth, I thought we'd be happy here. Safe. Look at us now.

"Pike wants to eliminate them, right ? He wants us the be the only ones left on Earth. Does he know how violent and dangerous grounders can be ? And does he know that they've helped us survive out here ?" She looks as pissed as I am. I'm happy to see that those who were with me before the arrival of Pike understand precisely my thoughts on his actions.

"I guess he doesn't. He asked me to choose between Grounders and Sky people, but it's not something that I can do. I belong in both parties, I can't choose. I'm going to need some supplies, though. Grounders don't have many bullets."

She laughs. "Come see me later, I'll give you what I find."

"Thanks, Raven. It's good to see you again."

I'm looking for Bellamy, but I can't find him anywhere. Instead, Pike finds me.

"Time to make your choice, Clarke." He states.

What do I do ? Choosing them means staying here, he would never let me leave.

"I choose Trikru." I say.

"Even speaking their language, I see. Well, I didn't want to do this, but… You're a prisoner, then." He looks at me, a mean, creepy smile on his face.

As his guards cuff me, I look at him, thinking how much of a coward he is. Not even capable of getting his own prisoners. Considering that I am a child, I don't see how difficult that should be. Now I see why he needs guards with him all the time.

" _Ai gonplei nou ste odon nowe, ai na fraf yu op."_ Are my last words to him.


	4. Chapter 4

**LEXA**

Clarke has left Polis this morning and I'm already worried about her wellbeing. It's late at night and I find it hard to fall asleep. It's the first night without her and it feels weird. I've slept on my own for so long… But those few weeks with her made everything different. I can't stop thinking about all the things that could have happened to Clarke and the army during their trip to Camp Jaha. And I'm surprised, because the thing that worries me the most is Skaikru. There are dangerous animals in the woods, other grounders, even reapers… But nothing scares me more than Skaikru, when it comes to Clarke. They are different from us, they treat life in a way that it's hard to understand for us. Life means nothing to us. We live to fight, to survive, to serve our people. This helps us to avoid being scared. Sky people fear death, we do not. For us, death is not the end, because our spirit will continue living once our human body dies.

Life has no meaning.

And this made me understand that Sky people are essentially good. And harmless. This new chancellor, though… He's different from them. He doesn't treat life the way they do. He wants what's best for his people, like I do. Like Clarke does. Like Kane does. The problem is that he doesn't know what's best for his people. He wants to eliminate us, wipe us off. Like a disease. He burnt down an entire village, without even flinching. He did it as a warning, to show us that he's not scared.

To show us that he has no regrets.

And no heart.

" _Heda_ , _Heda_ !" I hear Titus yelling while banging on my door. I'm suddenly incredibly worried and I get up.

"Titus, come in !"

He opens the door and looks preoccupied. " _Heda_ , Indra and the army are back."

What does he mean ? Indra ? And the army ? They can't be back yet. It's too early. She said two days. "Where's Clarke ?"

He doesn't even get to answer, because Indra comes running and says : "She said she was going to get inside the camp and that we had to wait, but she never came back. We waited and waited for hours till Octavia came to tell us that they're keeping her as a prisoner."

My heart stops for a second.

I can feel my skin turn pale.

I can't believe I let her go there without me. I would have never let this happen. I would have protected her. I wouldn't have let her go alone, even if it was to talk to her people.

They wouldn't hurt her. They can't hurt her. Her mother wouldn't let that chancellor hurt her. Octavia wouldn't let them hurt her. I honestly think Bellamy wouldn't let Pike hurt her. Not her.

Not my Clarke.

" _Heda_.."

" _Shof_ _op_ , Indra ! I told you to keep her safe ! You were supposed to protect her !" I yell.

"I made sure she was safe, _Heda_. Octavia promised to keep her safe, they won't hurt her." She replies, trying to keep calm.

I feel rage boiling inside of me. But I need Indra. "We're leaving, now."

I won't let Skaikru hurt Clarke, I need to go there. I made a mistake by letting her go on her own, and I can't let her pay for this. I promised peace to her. I promised I would stop seeking revenge. But if they hurt her… If they hurt her, all my promises will be shattered.

 _Jus drain jus daun._

The trip to the _Skaikru_ camp feels endless. I didn't take many soldiers with me, because I know this might result in a suicide mission. Right now, they're stronger than us. We are going to their camp, which puts them in a position of vantage. What makes me a bit less worried about this is that I know that Pike and his soldiers are not there, they were seen near _Azgheda_.

"This fight might kill many of us." I state. "But don't be afraid, we'll make _Skaikru_ pay for what they've done. Remember who the good Sky people are. We don't want to hurt them.

And we won't."

Not many of the Sky people will survive this attack, if they don't let Clarke out. If their mission is to wipe us out, they'll see what we're capable of. We wanted peace, we were trying to live in peace, but they ruined everything. We're grounders, we need vengeance. I tried to change this, but when it's enough, it's enough. I'm not going there with the intention of killing them all. I'm going there to rescue Clarke and I don't care about what I'll have to do to get her out of there. I was trying to change years and years of mentality and now they're ruining everything. Again.

We're almost there, I can see their lights and I can hear their voices. The plan is to look for Octavia and Lincoln and ask them about the secret passage to get inside the camp. Luckily for us, we find them near the gates.

"Lexa !" Octavia whispers. "What are you doing here ? "

"I'm here for Clarke, Octavia." I whisper back.

"If they see you, they'll shoot you all." She says.

"They won't see us. And if they do, we'll fight." I wait for a moment. "We need to save her."

She looks at me for a second. "You need to wait."

"I won't wait anymore ! She's one of you ! Why are they holding her prisoner ?" The anger inside of me keeps growing and growing.

"Because she was asked to choose between _Skaikru_ and _Trikru_. She chose _Trikru_."

She chose _Trikru_ ? Why would she do that ? It doesn't matter now. What matters is that they're holding her prisoner and I need to get her out of her.

"We're going in."

Octavia looks at me, aware that nothing can change my mind. I know she's a bit like me, so I'm hoping she'll understand. I can't have her against us tonight. I can't let her stop us. "Let us help, I have a plan."

I can't let her fight with us. I can't let her be one of us. Because if I do, she'll end up like Clarke.

A prisoner of her own people.

But I'm pretty sure she won't change her mind. She can fight, Indra taught her to. But Clarke would never forgive me if anything were to happen to her. I know nothing is going to stop her, because nothing is going to stop me. And I'm sure Lincoln will be important in this fight.

"Follow me." She says.

We silently follow her, but our caution ends up being useless. As we're running towards our safe passage, I hear a distinct voice yelling :

"Grounders !"

And I know we've been spotted.

Time to fight.

I hear gunshots going off and I can see bullets flying all over the place. I see my soldiers falling to the ground and some of theirs falling from the walls. Some of my soldiers are shooting arrows to protect us. The gates are now open and there are _Skaikru_ soldiers running towards us. We can't use the tunnel now, or they'll see us.

We can't get in.

I'm holding tightly my sword in my hand, while Octavia is bracing herself next to me. There are some of our soldiers shooting arrows and spears at them, while they have soldiers on the walls with big guns aimed at us. I hear men shouting as I'm slashing a soldier's throat and I can hear Octavia fighting next to me. I turn around and see a soldier running towards me, with his gun pointed straight at my chest. My eyes meet his and I realize I've met him before. His eyes are fixed on me as he squeezes the trigger and shoots me. I fall to the ground, my chest feeling suddenly warm.

 **I know what you guys are thinking... But I wrote this fanfiction before 3x07 aired and I feel the need to keep working on it. Don't worry, though... I have a pretty different ending planned out. I promise you, this won't make you suffer. I didn't write this fanfiction to make people cry or suffer, I wrote it because I had this idea in mind and I wanted to share it with other fans. Hope you guys will keep reading it !**


	5. Chapter 5

**CLARKE**

I asked Octavia to go tell Indra that they're keeping me imprisoned in here. I also told her that I will find a way out on my own. I don't want Lexa to come here to save me and possibly get hurt. She's the commander and Pike knows that. If he sees her, he's going to kill her. I've been sitting on this damn cell for hours now, basically just screaming my heart out and thinking about how to get out. I need to get out. I came here to make my people understand that Grounders are not our enemies, and look at me now. In a prison cell, once again, looking for a way to escape. I feel like I've been imprisoned for treason again. Is this my life now ? Getting imprisoned every now and then because I decide to help my people ? Is trying to help considered treason ?  
I'm pretty sure Lexa won't let me handle this on my own. She gave me my chance and I failed. I know how hard that was for her. Letting me go, once again.

I don't even know if it's night already, but I can't sleep. I'm too angry and upset. Now I hear one of the guards screaming :

"Grounders !" And then guns going off. Bullets being shot. War cries.

I can feel my heart actually stop in my chest. And I can't control myself anymore.

She's here, I'm sure she's here.

"No ! " I start screaming "No ! Please, stop ! Don't hurt them !" I keep screaming and screaming till I finally see Octavia running towards my cell.

"Clarke ! Be quiet, I'm getting you out of here."

"What happened ? Please tell me that Lexa's not here." I feel so dumb by asking this. Of course she's here.

"She is, we were trying to get in, but they saw us and I thought she was behind me… Apparently she wasn't. I'll get you out of there so you can go do your thing and stop them."

Yes, I need to go do my thing. How do I do it ? Pike's not here, maybe they'll listen to me. I honestly think that most of the people who follow Pike follow him just because he knows how to manipulate people. Or he knows what people want to hear.

Okay, Lexa's fine. It's all that matters. I can breathe.

Octavia opens my cell and we both run to the secret tunnel to get outside. She hands me a gun and I feel lucky to have her next to me. We jump out of the tunnel and see what looks like a massacre. I should be used to seeing this. There are both Grounders and Sky people on the ground, blood everywhere. There are people shouting and guns going off. How many more people are we going to lose because of this war ? I was sure the alliance was going to put an end to it. I thought becoming the 13th clan was going to make things right. Apparently, I was wrong. I'm so tired of having to see this, I'm so tired of having to think about a way to end this damn war.

I see someone standing motionless in front of the gate, holding a gun.

It's Bellamy.

He has his foot on a grounder's body. The grounder is shivering profusely and hardly breathing. It's a grounder with a lean body. And long, curly hair.

No.

Not her.

"Lexa !" I start screaming. "Lexa !"

Octavia and I start running towards them and I can hear Octavia screaming next to me.

"Move your damn foot, Bellamy !" I can hear her voice loud and clear, even if I feel like I'm in another world. When we get there, Bellamy still has his foot on her chest and I push him out of the way. I kneel next to Lexa and move her hair from her face, checking her pulse and he breathing. I can see Octavia stopping Bellamy from getting up with all her strength as I put pressure on Lexa's wound. He shot her on her chest. Why ? Why would he shoot her ? He knows her, he knows that she's with us. He knows that she's good. He knows..

"It's okay, I'm here, it's okay." I start whispering.

I don't know where I find the strength to do so, but I pick her up and start walking towards the entrance of Arkadia, screaming my mom's name. My mom sees me and starts running towards me, with Kane by her side. Kane helps me carry Lexa inside the medical compound, where my mom can finally work on her.

"Don't let her die." I say, or rather, I order.

I stand motionless next to her body, holding her hand. She has her eyes open and her whole body his shaking. "It's okay, I won't leave you."

I can feel her squeezing my hand, but her strength is slowly fading away. I'm crying and shaking.

" _Otaim en feva."_ I whisper to her ear.

 _Always and forever._

Her eyes are fixed on me. " _Ai gonplei ste odon."_

No, no, no. Her fight can't be over. Her fight is not over.

 _"No, yu gonplei nou ste odon."_

I look at her, her face is sick pale. She has tears running down her face, I've never see her like this. I never thought I'd see her like this. It was my fear when she decided to fight against Roan, but then I thought it'd never happen. She can fight, she can defend herself. I was impressed by Roans fight skills, but Lexa… Lexa fights like everything and everyone depend on her fighting skills, she fights like nothing matters. Now she looks so defenseless and so terribly scared.

Before closing her eyes, she whispers : _"I love you."_


	6. Chapter 6

**LEXA**

I open my eyes in what looks like a white, empty room. I sit up, and start looking around. There's nothing here, I can only see a small door right in front of me. I'm confused, Clarke was next to me just a second ago. Now I'm alone, in this foreign room. I don't quite understand what's going on, maybe they took me to the Mount Weather medical compound, where they have sophisticated machines and stuff. Clarke told me they do it sometimes, for critical cases. She told me that when she woke up in her cell everything was white, even her clothes. But this is different, there's literally nothing here. She talked to me about machines, iv's, cameras… There's only the bed I'm on in here. Wait, Mount Weather was destroyed. Where am I ? Maybe Pike got back and took me away.

"Clarke ? Where are you ?"

The door screeches, and I see a figure walking in.

"Hello, Lexa." It's a voice that I know very well. A voice I've heard a lot in the past. A voice I don't get to hear anymore.

It's Anya.

Am I dead ? Did I die in the fight to save Clarke ? But she was next to me... A minute ago.

"Anya. What is this place ?" I ask her, confused.

She looks at me, with a huge smile on her face. She's wearing a white gown, it's weird to see her with no war paint on her face. "I need to tell you something, Lexa."

Her voice is soft and tender. I look at her with curiosity as she walks towards me. I feel light, like if I had no body weight.

"This is a place where you decide if you want to live, or if you want to die."

I'm even more confused than before. "If you're here, it means you're dying. It means your human life is over and your spirit will find the next commander."

I'm not scared of dying, everyone does. If my fate was to die this way, I hope it resulted in Clarke being freed of her prison.

I remember seeing Clarke before coming to this place. She was there, she was next to me, holding my hand. When I was shot, I hoped she'd be in her prison cell. I didn't want her to be there. I didn't want her to suffer because of me, I fell to the ground hoping she wouldn't get to see me. Then I heard her voice…

Oh, Clarke's voice.

She was right where I needed her to be. Next to me.

I spent my whole life knowing that I was meant to die young, but I never really thought about what it would feel like. I never imagined what I'd find on the other side, I never dared to ask. I only knew that death would come sooner rather than later, I was ready. Then Clarke came into my life and my perspective changed.

"I can't leave Clarke, Anya." I whisper. "I've been ready to die for such a long time, but not now. I've realised I've just started living and I can't let that go."

"Then don't." She states, looking at me. "You've lived your whole life fighting. I know some moments have been harder than others… But you can do it. Your work as our commander isn't over yet, Lexa kom Trikru. You are trying to do something that most of our people would define foolish, but they listen to you.

You can change things.

You can make our world a little bit better. It's true, we were born to fight… But if we keep fighting, we'll disappear."


	7. Chapter 7

**A bit earlier than usual, but who cares ! Hope you guys keep enjoying the story as much as I do.**

 **CLARKE**

I've been sitting next to Lexa for about ten hours now, I've never left her side once. My mom told me countless times to go get some air, or something, but I can't leave her. Not until she wakes up. I can't even let go of her hand. My mother had to extract the bullet from her chest and she lost a lot of blood. Luckily, we have sophisticated machines now that were taken from Mount Weather, which helped a bit when it came to surgery. I look at her and can't help but think about her life. She's in her early twenties, and yet she's the leader of thirteen clans, a fearless and selfless warrior. When I met her, I saw how young she was and it was hard for me to imagine what being a commander meant. I had had some experience with the grounders and with their ways, but I had no idea what her duties were. Now that I've spent these past few weeks with her, I realize that she's always taking care of something, always ready to fight for her people. She's been fighting her whole life to become what she is now. I look at her and what I see right now is just the sweet, caring Lexa.

My Lexa.

She came here, risking her life and her army's, just because I was in danger. I was held prisoner and she came here to rescue me and now I might lose her. I can't. I know she's lives knowing that she was born to die, but I can't let her die now. She's too young. Too precious. Too loved.

"Clarke ?" My mom's here again.

"What ?"

"Can we talk for a moment ?"

"Yes, of course. Sit down." I tell her, pointing at a chair next to where I'm sitting.

"I was thinking about going somewhere a bit more… Private." She says, staring at the floor.

"Oh, come on. She can't hear us. She's asleep. She's been asleep for the past ten hours. Also, I'm not willing to leave her alone." I tell her, bitterly. She nods, and sits right next to me.

"I can't stop thinking about what I saw last night when you came running inside holding Lexa." She says, placing her hand on mine.

"What exactly do you think you saw ?" Lexa and I were planning on keeping us a secret, but things didn't exactly go as planned.  
Me being a prisoner wasn't planned.  
Lexa being shot wasn't planned.

When I decided to come here, I thought I'd have the chance to talk to Pike and start fixing things. I wanted to come here, talk to Pike, Octavia, Raven, Bellamy, my mom… And then head back to Polis. Lexa would have been on her throne, waiting for me. Or possibly fighting with the nightbloods…

This wasn't planned.

"I think this is wrong." She states, her voice firm. "She's their commander."

"First of all, she's _our_ commander." I tell her. "Why does it matter, anyhow ?"

"Clarke, listen. I know that you're young, still confused about what it means to be an adult, and I'm sorry that you had to fast forward to adulthood just because you were sent to Earth… But you need to understand that this, whatever it is, can't happen." She is staring at me, I'm not sure if she's talking to me as my mother, or as one of the people in charge here.

I move my hand from under hers and turn to face Lexa. " _This_ has already happened. I'm sure you'd understand if you had ever loved anyone, but seen what you did to dad, I guess you will never understand."

She looks at me just for a second before getting up. "I'm just trying to do what's best for you."

"What is best for me right now is to keep her alive. Do that, and I'll be grateful."

I have nothing more to say. I have pictured this moment in my mind many times, but never once I thought it would go like this. First of all, I thought Lexa would be standing next to me. Secondly, I was sure mom would have understood. I know me being with Lexa is a bit unexpected, possibly even weird. But I thought she'd want me to be happy, I thought she'd see how much I care about Lexa. I find myself crying once again, looking at Lexa… Thinking about those beautiful green eyes of hers, hoping to see them again.

I tried being strong. I tried so hard.

"Clarke ?"

Octavia is here. I turn around to face her. "Hey.."

She slowly walks next to me and places her hand on my shoulder. "Why didn't you tell us ? Why didn't you tell me ?"

I perfectly know what she's talking about and I don't really know what to say. "Tell you what ?"

"Come on," she sighs "that you're in love with her."

Those words send shivers to my spine. Having someone acknowledge how I feel about Lexa makes everything kind of stronger. I know how I feel about her, but I've never said it out loud. It was like a dream, a dream I could only share with Lexa.

"I don't know. I thought you'd see me as a traitor."

"I hope you didn't think that I would see you as a traitor. You do know that I'm with Lincoln, right ?" She laughs and I can't help but smile.

"Yes, but I know you don't like Lexa. And we kind of wanted to keep us a secret for a while."

"I like her if she makes you happy." She says. "And I'm pretty sure she does."

"She does, like no one has ever done before." I tell her, stroking the back of Lexa's hand. I'm looking at Octavia and think for a second about our first day here on Earth. She was so… Different. I'm happy about what Earth did to her. We were considered criminals back on the Ark, but we were just kids who had made mistakes. We came here, ready to start fresh… Most of us changed. Some for the worst and some for the better. We're different. Not criminals anymore. Not kids anymore.

"I can't lose her." I whisper, and I can hear my own voice cracking. Octavia wraps her arms around me and holds me tight.

"You won't." Octavia whispers back. " _Oso gonplei nou ste odon, ste yuj_."

 _Our fight isn't over, stay strong._

She stays with me for quite some time, before leaving to go be with Indra and the rest of the grounders who had to stay out in the woods to avoid getting caught by Pike. We need to think of something for when he comes back. I won't let him touch her, I will protect her at all costs. Having the commander of the clans will make him feel like the most powerful man on Earth. Invincible, even.

What a fool.


	8. Chapter 8

**I know that this chapter is really short, but guys... She needs to rest.**

 **:)**

 **LEXA**

When I open my eyes again, Clarke is next to me, still holding my hand. "Clarke.."

She opens her eyes, they're full of tears and smiles at me. "I thought I'd lost you."

She kisses me tenderly and I start crying with her. This feels surreal, maybe I'm dreaming again. It's hard to talk right now and it hurts to breathe, but I'm alive. I'm alive and Clarke is with me.

She looks at me in a way I've never seen her do before.

" _Ai hod yu in seintaim."_

 _I love you too._

I look at her, speechless. Of course tears come streaming down my face as I process what she just told me. She smiles at me and I can see her love through her eyes. She's never said it before, because sometimes words are just… Too much. When I told her, I genuinely thought I was going to die. I couldn't die without being sure she knew.

"Is she awake ?" I hear a distant voice asking.

"Yes, mom." Clarke says, a bit annoyed, then I see Abby walking towards us.

"How do you feel, Lexa ?" She asks, looking at the bandages on my chest.

"Sore." It's the only thing I manage to say. I'm a bit disappointed in myself. Clarke is still holding my hand, sometimes stroking my hair.

"It's normal, no worries. Your throat is probably going to be a bit sore for a while, we had to put a tube down there to help you breathe." Abby says, before walking away.

"You scared me" Clarke says, once her mother can't hear her. The only thing I can do is smile at her, because talking is just too much right now. "You're safe now, though. Pike's not here yet, but we'll find a way to keep him away from you. I can promise you that."

I nod, thinking about what could possibly keep him away from me. He probably already knows that I'm here. What he doesn't know is that killing me means having the whole grounder population against him. We don't take this kind of things lightly. We enjoy vengeance.

Jus drein jus daun.

It was something I am willing to abandon. It's one of our traditions that I'm trying to change, but not many people are with me on this. I perfectly know that my death would spark a war that could possibly kill every single sky person here on Earth.

Being shot doesn't feel like any of the injuries I got in my life before today. It's different, a kind of pain that I've never experienced before. Being a nightblood made me realize what pain is at a pretty young age, I'm used to seeing my own blood. This kind of pain, though… It irradiates through your whole body and makes you shake.

"You need to rest now, to help everything heal up. Get some sleep." Clarke tells me, tenderly. "I'll be here when you wake up."

It's so easy to close my eyes and drift into a peaceful, painless sleep.


	9. Chapter 9

**CLARKE**

She's asleep again, but I can't stop worrying. She can't move and won't be able to for at least a few days, what am I supposed to do once Pike comes back ?

"Mom ?" I call out, trying not to wake Lexa up.

"Yes ?"

"Can you find Raven for me, please ?"

"Yeah, sure." She says, before walking away. I'm going to need Octavia as well, but she's a bit harder to find. Well, she doesn't want to be found. I keep thinking about taking Lexa back to Polis, but it would mean basically killing her. The trip to Polis is quite long and I'd have to find someone to carry her all the way there. Also, the woods are quite dangerous and being attacked would only make things worse. I have to think about her medical needs right now, which are a lot. She's in constant pain, she needs to have her bandages changed frequently and she needs to be in a clean place, possibly sterile.

I guess the woods aren't exactly the best place to take a shotgun victim.

I'll have to think of something else.

"You called for me ?" Raven's here.

"Yeah, I need you to help me with something." I tell her.

"Sure, _Biheda_." She laughs. I look at her, quizzically.

"Alright, alright, it's not as funny as I thought it'd be. I thought _Wanheda_ didn't suit you anymore. So, you're banging the commander, huh ?"

She laughs again and I can't help but look at where my mom is. She's looking at us, with her angry face on.

"Anyway," I start, "I need to find a way to avoid Pike. I figured he wouldn't necessarily come to the medical compound, but someone will tell him that there were grounders here. I bet someone saw me carrying her inside. And even if nobody did, I'm not risking anything this time."

"I honestly don't know what we could do." She says. "We can't really move her, so I'm guessing O's tunnel won't be useful this time. What about we tell him that there was some kind of contagious illness that got to one of us and that we had to put them in quarantine ? I'm sure it would keep him away for a while, at least till Lexa will be able to move."

That's actually a pretty good idea.

"I like this idea. It will keep him away from the medical compound and maybe he'll start worrying about this illness, instead of thinking about new ways to destroy grounders." I'm actually pretty worried about what he's doing in Azgeda, but at least he's far away. I wish I didn't have to worry about him as well. "Good job, Raven. I really hope it'll work. Can you please go tell my mother about our plan ?"

She looks at me for a second, then nods. I'm alone with Lexa once again, but it feels pointless. I look at her, asleep and I'm on the verge of tears once again. This is so incredibly unfair.

After a couple of minutes, I hear my mom walking towards us.

"Does your plan involve eliminating me from your life ?"

I look at her for a second.

"When I was little, you would talk to me about a man that would make me happy, a man who would take care of me whenever I needed him to, a man who would make me lose my breath just with a smile. I looked forward to finding that person, I thought it would be one of the kids in the Ark and I kept imagining how that would feel like. I kept thinking about what love meant, about what it would do to me. I imagined myself as an adult, with this man next to me and a child between us. As a child, I already knew what my future would look like. I would study to become a doctor and then I would take your place in the Ark's medical compound. I would get married to this perfect man and we would have a child. Then we came to Earth and my dream got bigger. I knew I could be happy and free here. Even after what had happened to dad, even after that terrible fight with Wells. Earth wasn't what I imagined it to be at all. The air was fresher, the smells were stronger, the water was cleaner. The people were alive. I got to see my friends die in the woods, because of things we never studied about. I saw Jasper hit by a spear and almost dying, I saw Atom dying because of the acid fog, I saw Wells with his throat cut open. We got to live a life we didn't imagine. I was naïve enough to think Earth would be what we had studied on the books. Bellamy and I were in charge, we had to control the others, we had to set rules, we had to make terrible decisions. We got to meet these people, the Grounders, then the Mountain Men. And they were so different from us, they were… Fascinating and scary at the same time. I kept thinking about that future that you had so carefully drawn out to me. I thought it was ruined, I was never going to get that kind of happiness. I didn't have time to think about love with everything that we had on our plate, you know ? I thought I could have some flings, I thought I was never going to get the perfect person for me.

Then I found it.

I found _her_.

I met Lexa, and everything changed. The colours were brighter, the sounds were louder and my heart was beating faster. My perspective on life changed when I realized what Lexa and I were becoming. The first time she kissed me, I already knew. I knew I'd found it. I saw it in her eyes, I saw it in her smile. I saw it whenever she said my name. I saw it anytime she looked out for me, anytime she'd protect me.

I found the person you were talking about, mom.

The plan was for you to understand this and be happy for me, for us."

I don't even know how I managed to finish this speech, because I'm crying like a starving baby. My mom is crying as well, which tells me something. Either she understood what Lexa means to me and accepts it, or she's disappointed, like she never thought she'd be.

"I hope you know that I don't care if Lexa's a girl." She begins. I know that, she talked to me about a man just because it was easier, more normal. But I always knew that she was okay with whatever I was. "It's just complicated, Clarke. I didn't realize she was all this to you. I'm sorry I underestimated your love. I'm really sorry."

Her voice comes out in little whispers, as she wipes away her tears. I'm actually really pleased with what she said. "It's okay." I whisper. "I understand."

She hugs me and then slowly gets up. "She'll be okay. I can promise you that."

"Thanks, mom. For real."


End file.
